Birthday only not really happy.

Meeting with the Old Gods 

Compare to previous post. https://m-o-dwill.blogspot.com/2017/10/birthday-boy-turns-adult.html

I'm not in the same "happy and bright" zone anymore. 2018 is not my year, my birthday, was not even eventful. I'm still thankful for the few friends who remembered but I only felt sad in every greeting, I feel so awful.

Since it's my tradition here in my blog to somehow commemorate my years that I'm alive. I'm gonna share to you what happened to me this past week.

It was a pre-planned activity, I decided not to pursue my trip in Indochina this year to treat my Pa' and brothers out. I never got to treat them with anything in my past birthday, might as well celebrate it with family right.

It was Saturday afternoon, after a toxic coverage in a disaster stricken town in Benguet. I traveled from Baguio to the Metro Manila. I'm a bit exhausted, physically, mentally and emotionally. Since the typhoon Ompong hit the region pretty hard. We have been on a crisis communication mode for 2 weeks now.

It was a gloomy week for me, struggles of the survivors, the agony of missing a loved one, the pain of death and the conflicts that arises that needs to be resolved in the office. I have absorbed all of this and it took a toll on me. 

I've been battling this thing inside me for months now. It grew stronger as my mind and body got weaker. It slowly creeps and feeds negative things my inner thought.

I needed to escape, I needed to get out. I needed to go somewhere. I needed to see mom. I missed her. She always perks me up whenever my birthday. Growing up, she would always be the one who greets me, sing to me and shower me with kisses and hugs, every year she does that. I miss that.

Flowers in Baguio are really cheap. I bought 2 huge flowers and carried it to her resting place.

Also, for six years, my significant ex would always greet me too. I got used to it, I was always looking forward to it. She always make this silly drawings on the gifts cards. 

Both of them are gone now and I feel empty. I know I should not feel that way, I tried to bury it deep down. "Think Happy thoughts, Think happy thoughts"

Sunday, I treated them to this nice breakfast buffet of a 5 star hotel. Really expensive.

For once I want them to enjoy this day too. Celebrate all our birthdays together.

Back in my mind, while staring at my dad, brother, and my cute little niece. I'm good.

I'm good to go.

This is the most happiest day in my life, right at this moment. 

I wish I could stop the time. Hug each one of them and tell them that I love them so much.

I'm really happy to die, then I got really really sad. This pain. wont let me be happy.

It wont let me enjoy this moment with my family. I'm really really really tired.

When our vacation is over, and we said our goodbyes, my brothers went to their separate ways, back to their normal lives. My dad went back to our province to tend to his sideline. I went on and ride the bus back to Baguio.

I felt this pang of loneliness, the heavy feeling that weighs in my chest. 

Where am I going? I asked.

I cried the whole time on the bus back to Baguio.

Back at my place, I cried and cried. I really don't know why. I should be happy. It was a happy experience, yet I feel so sad. I really don't remember how much medicine I tried to take just to make the awful feelings go away. 

I overdosed.

I felt that my body just shut down. I arrived Monday morning and woke up late night Tuesday in the hospital.

My wrist hurts, apparently I slit my own wrist. 

"Di ako natuluyan" (I'm not dead)

I really don't remember what happened. but yeah I tried to kill myself. 

Happy Birthday. I thought. It would be a nice ending, a perfect date for a tomb stone with 10.04.88 to 10.04.18  30 years

"Pare wag ganun" (Dude, just don't do it again) A friend who rescued me, he told me that there are blood everywhere, "Takot pa naman ako sa dugo" (You know I'm scared of blood right?)

 

I don't really know how he knew.  He just said that I messaged him to tell everyone in our batch to wear pink and orange shirt. Because that would be really funny because they will all look stupid. 

"Pano ka nakapasok?" I asked. 

"Tanga, di naka lock pinto mo" (Your door was unlock stupid)

In my mind, I should be thankful, but at that point, I felt really really sad that I did not die.

A scar on my left wrist would be my battle scar from now on. Still not feeling well. Just got home.

Tried to clean the house. 

So here are the list for my 30th Birthday.

1. Be better
2. Be better
3. Be better
4. Be better
5. Be better
6. Be better
7. Be better
8. Be better
9. Be better
10. Be better
11. Be better
12. Be better
13. Be better
14. Be better
15. Be better
16. Be better
17. Be better
18. Be better
19. Be better
20. Be better
21. Be better
22. Be better
23. Be better
24. Be better
25. Be better
26. Be better
27. Be better
28. Be better
29. Be better
30. and live.

P.S.

I got this message/ scolding from another friend.

I'm sorry you're going through things... And sometimes I wish I could do more.. Pero i can only do so much. You've distanced yourself over the past two months so i don't know what's going on with you. But I do wish you get better. Not just because you're in the hospital right now. I just mean in general. I'm not gonna be sympathetic and counter your "oh, di natuluyan" whatnot. I'm not gonna tiptoe around it. I get it, you're not in a good place. But you do have to get better. You have to choose that. And i wish more than anything na sana you're not in that predicament ngayon. Oo, sayang. Pero nobody can save you but yourself. And I'm saying this out of love because nothing i or anyone else around you who loves you can do to save you unless you make the choice

I never replied seriously, because shes right.

Also one of my birthday tradition, is to eat a Black Forest cake. Since there are no cakeshop available since its way past the normal operating hours. I went to dunkin' donut and bought a blackforest donut! Streak! 

P.P.S

Cheers!