To Regrets, Guilts and Forgiveness

Some say our past does not define us, yet somehow we carry a lot of stuff from the past that it changes us in more ways than we ever thought.

I'm not the person I used to be. That's a fact. 

I often look back and examine myself, thinking that my past self is better than what I am now, but I can't go back. I have come a long way just to be where I am now, and I somehow do not like where I'm going.

I'm angry all the time with all the little things that does not even matter. The worst thing is that I often lash out and became violent. 

I’m not like this but I'm having a difficult time controlling it. 

"I am not a good human being. I'm the worst."  those words kept on ringing in my head and it's oddly comfortable. 

Guilt. There is this one moment when my SO and I went on this huge fight that I don't even remember the reason. I was so mad I felt blood rushed into my head. I wanted to scream, and my vision became blurry and next thing I knew my hand landed on her face and I hit the side of her face. She fell on the floor and when I heard her cry I snaped into my senses and I can't believe I did that. 

Guilt calmed me down, I was looking down at her and she's covering her face... my heart swells like it's going to burst out of my chest and my hand is shaking. I fucked up. She was scared of me and I'm also scared of myself. I knew it was wrong and I don't know how to explain it but I did that. I DID that.

There is no one to blame. I have no excuse. I'm a terrible person. 

I apologized to her, there is nothing I can say that would undo what I did. 

I asked her why would she choose to stay. She can leave me find someone better someone who will not hurt her. I messed up. I'm all over the place. I am not worth it. 

"Are you stupid!" I said

She just replied "Mahal kita" 

That hit me hard. 

I felt that. All the doubts, the anger and shit I'm dealing evaporated. It was genuine and it was true. I never heard her say it the way she said. Yes we say we love each other all the time but that moment it was different.

Yes I have issues, yes I'm hard to deal with. I'm a terrible person I am not perfect, and she knew that, she understands and still choose to love me. That moment I felt my knees weaken, I sat on the floor and I cried and said I'm really sorry. 

I never really understood how to beat my demons. I tried to hide it and deal with it own not knowing that there is someone who will fight it with me. 

People change and it's not always the way we want it. I'm not a good person but I'm trying to be the person she deserves. 

It's a work in progress. Whenever I fail I just remind myself to get back up and try again until the day that I can tell her that "Mahal na mahal din kita" in front of the altar in the eyes of God.