I think I'm In love?

Here's the deal. I think I'm in love. Yes. Definitely. I'm in love. 

I have set a some "Rules of Engagement"  when it comes to my feelings. First and foremost (like my therapist always says) "Protect yourself above anything else." 

You guys have known my situation and being in love put me at risk of falling into that rabbit hole again. I really don't want that to happen. Now I'm showing a "good" progress. I still have my medications to keep me sane. I'm productive at work. I'm coping up with my socials fairly well.

Rules of Engagement Number 01

Protecting myself means that I have to set certain boundaries when it comes to dating. But Oh boy, those boundaries have been broken. That is how powerful this girl's effect on me. But there is a catch. It will blow your fucking mind! Just keep reading.

Let me tell you about her.

I had this HUGE crush on her yet there is HUGE sign on my forehead that states: "Broken Please Fix" I guess at first I thought I wasn't good enough for her or maybe a girl this pretty might be in a relationship. I must not keep my hopes up. 

So what will you do?

Simple. Get to know her without her knowing that you want to know her, because that would fuck up everything and you'll look like a freaking creep. (breathe) 

I am a creep. Rules of Engagement Number 02

I stalked her online, I "discreetly" followed her on Instagram. (private account ugh!) Who does not like a follower on Instagram. I used my travel account because that has so dope shit in it. #PaPogi

She's really photogenic. I bet guys would flock over her like a vulture rounding up in a dead carcass.

Drop-Dead-Gorgeous 

She's young. I just turned 30 (dang it!) Maybe she dig older guys. (finger crossed)

She stands out in a group. I first noticed her among the other lads she's with. She has this deep dark eyes (pupil/iris to be exact) and a cute nose. She is sexy AF and looks really mature for her age. A perfect 10! 

Still I lack the confidence to talk to her personally, since I got a ton of shit in may life at that moment so I just let it slide.

Once we got a connection (naks) I added her on Facebook a week after the she accepted my request on IG. Remember don't follow all their social media accounts. It would only show that you are really interested and adding them on socials in one night seemed a bit too much. Have self control. Rule number 03 Suplado is a the next gwapo. So wait for a couple of weeks before adding them. 

She accepted! Yes!

Not to sound excited and overly into her. I did not engage right away. Rule number 04, Do not show interest.  She loved anime and one piece, so I commented on one of her post. The trick is to be subtle. Never comment/ reply/ Like more than three. The gap should be a week apart.

Why? So she wont remember it. But when she does, she wont forget it.

One weekend, She offered me a coffee during an event coverage. (She later branded it as Landi 101: Offer Coffee) 

Still I'm not making any grand romantic gestures at this point since I'm not really sure on what I'm feeling. Going back to rule number 01: Protect yourself. 

Days past whenever I see her, all smiles and full of energy and it captivates me every friggin time.

You may say this too cliché but one time, she went to the office all dressed in a sleek corporate attire, skirt and all. Damn son! The world slo-mo'd. I'm not kidding. It might be the meds kicking in, the lighting from the afternoon sunlight and the perfect wind that blowsher hair and kissed my nose with her sweet, sweet scent.

Shit!

I told this to my therapist, she just laughed and said "You watch way too many romantic movies" but it happens she said. You really like this girl huh? She ask.  

Yes. I really do.

Rule Number 05: Consider Everything.

This where our story gets complicated.

When you're in love, you became irrational. Feeling take over you and in the end you'll end up getting hurt. So you need to consider everything about the situation, re evaluate your feelings and from there thread it lightly.

Before I knew it. We spent 4 hours talking over the phone.
I told her everything from my stupid rules and my fears. To my surprise, she took everything and accepted it like nothing is wrong. I opened up like a volcano, spurting emotional baggage one after another. She handled it very well. I'm surprised. It wasn't that hard pala. It felt good.

Before I knew it, it became a ritual, late night talks from our aspiration and fears, anime and movies, experiences and angst. She is amazing. 

I still have my doubts, but every time we talk, all of it vanishes.

I'm really scared at this point, I kept on thinking negative things that might happen that definitely not gonna happen and it affected me. I know were good right now, but there is this dark cloud hovering over us. The uncertainty of tomorrow and the predicament we are in.

Let me tell you a secret.

We can't be together. Going back to my rule number 05. Consider Everything. 
Well our situation is a bit messy, I can't tell you exactly at this point because the repercussions are grave and it will affect her life. I don't want to be the guy who will ruin her life, just because I'm in love. 

Last night, that fear has taken over me. It ate me up and I vomited. I forced myself to not call her, not to text her but I'm weak and called her after.

I just needed assurance. I'm really afraid on whats gonna happen next. I get to attached easily, and she was the right happy pill for me. 

Rule Number 06
Know her feelings.

This part. Is the hardest part. She might need time to asses her own feelings towards you. Like you, she's also afraid. She didn't want to hurt anyone, she did not want to jump into something that is so messed up and it would affect her in more ways than you think. Its risky. Its dangerous. 

Rule Number 07
Wait and Hope for the best.

Love is a strong word, yet its simple. Love is never complicated. Love should not be complicated. Love should be happy-sad ( got that from Sing Street)

So this is a happy-sad story. It's sad because it will not progress into something more than I hoped. But I'm happy that she is always there for me. I love her and it will stay that way even if we did not end up together.

Happy-sad.

Rule Number 08

Enjoy each others company.

Even though its really fucked up. We really enjoyed each others company. At the end of the day, what matters. Both of you understands each other. I think that is beautiful. Soon, all of this will be over. But the memories we created, i'll forever treasure.

I know you'll be reading this, anytime soon. I would like you to know that I'm really grateful for everything that you have done for me. You are my saving grace, you are the best friend I never had. and as the song goes: She lights me up, She breaks me up, She lifts me up... :) 

PS